{"id":2012,"date":"2014-12-04T20:39:20","date_gmt":"2014-12-05T02:39:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/?p=2012"},"modified":"2014-12-04T20:41:27","modified_gmt":"2014-12-05T02:41:27","slug":"short-play-3-vampire-jesus-vs-zombie-hitler-iii-the-jeezening-continues","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/?p=2012","title":{"rendered":"Short Play 3 – Vampire Jesus vs Zombie Hitler III: The Jeezening Continues"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Delightful<\/a>

Delightful Crap!<\/p><\/div>\n

The challenge for this play was, “Write the worst play possible.”<\/p>\n

I have yet to write for Drekfest. I should try it, but I’m slightly unnerved that the worst and best plays in modern popular culture are both so strongly predicated on irony. I find it… … … … ironic.<\/p>\n

Anyway, in light of all the heavy stuff goin’ on lately, here’s a light piece of crap.<\/p>\n

Vampire Jesus Versus Zombie Hitler III: The Jeezening Continues<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Lights up on our lord and savior JESUS, restrained in garlic-powdered silver cords by MISSY and SISSY, the zombie Nazi cheerleaders. Some badass Wagner is playing, but not Flight of the Valkyrie, cause that\u2019s a clich\u00e9<\/em>.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

Release me, you unnatural hags!<\/p>\n

MISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Never, Jesus. We are restraining you for our master, the Fuhrer.<\/p>\n

SISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

And also, we know your weakness.<\/p>\n

MISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

We know your secret.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

You fools!<\/p>\n

SISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

We know that you are no ordinary Jesus.<\/p>\n

MISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

You are\u2026<\/p>\n

KISSY walks in, leading a GIRL behind her. The GIRL is tied up and being led by a leash, kinda S&M-ish, but in a tasteful way<\/em>.<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

A vampire Jesus!<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

No! It\u2019s not true! It\u2019s impossible!<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Behold!<\/p>\n

KISSY shoves the girl down in front of JESUS<\/em>.<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Are you weak, Lord? Drained? Do you not smell her pure blood, untainted by embalming fluid? The blood is the life, Lord.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yet thou shalt not drink the blood.<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Except your own, Lord, and that is what we desire. Your blood\u2026 Poor, foolish Messiah. You thought that by killing our Fuhrer, you could wipe out the zombie Nazi movement, but in stead you have made us stronger. You have given us a purpose.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

I will not give you my blood! I will not let you resurrect your leader again!<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Foolish Messiah. We do not seek merely to resurrect the Fuhrer. We seek to resurrect\u2026<\/p>\n

FISSY enters. She is a zombie Nazi scientist cheerleader. She is super smart, but still sexy, in a zombie way<\/em>.<\/p>\n

FISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Uber-Fuhrer. This box (she holds up a small metal box<\/em>) contains the DNA of the world\u2019s most evil men: Genghis Khan, Jack the Ripper, Emperor Palpatine, the list goes on, all of them subordinate to the will of our glorious Fuhrer. We need only apply your blood, and this Uber-Fuhrer shall be reborn: A Zombie Hitler more powerful than you could possibly imagine.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yes! Yes! YES!!! Now feed on this girl. Then you will be impure, and have no choice but to obey us!<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

I won\u2019t do it! No!<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yes!<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

NO!<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

YES!!<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

NOOO!!!<\/p>\n

JESUS breaks free of MISSY and SISSY\u2019S restraints. He knocks their heads together, and they \u201cwoop-woop-woop\u201d to the ground. FISSY prances away, cause she\u2019s a doctor and doesn\u2019t know how to fight. KISSY jumps away and hisses like a vampire, even though she\u2019s a zombie, cause she\u2019s actually a zombie-vampire, but we don\u2019t find that out until later. JESUS extends his hands toward the GIRL and shouts \u201cWalk free of thy restraints,\u201d and the GIRL\u2019S free and can move and MISSY and SISSY get up and FISSY joins them and it\u2019s time to fight<\/em>.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sorry, Kissy. Looks like this won\u2019t be my Last Supper!<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Get them!<\/p>\n

The zombies attack. The GIRL fights with wu shu, JESUS with krav magaw. The zombies finally retreat<\/em>.<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

We\u2019ll be back with lasers!<\/p>\n

They run away<\/em>.<\/p>\n

GIRL<\/strong><\/p>\n

That was metal as fuck, Jesus.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

(stares at GIRL\u2019S neck<\/em>) You\u2019ve been cut.<\/p>\n

GIRL<\/strong><\/p>\n

Oh?<\/p>\n

She runs her fingers along her neck, tracing the blood around. JESUS is transfixed, and he can hear the pumping of her blood. His fangs come out, and she gasps in fear<\/em>.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

The blood thou shalt not drink.<\/p>\n

GIRL<\/strong><\/p>\n

No, it\u2019s okay. You saved my life. I\u2019ll give myself to you.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

No! It\u2019s not right. It\u2019s not right!<\/p>\n

GIRL<\/strong><\/p>\n

Okay. Let\u2019s get out of here.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

Wait! You haven\u2019t even told me your name.<\/p>\n

GIRL<\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s Mary.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

My mother\u2019s name was Mary.<\/p>\n

GIRL<\/strong><\/p>\n

I know.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

I know.<\/p>\n

The zombies rush back in<\/em>.<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Now we have lasers!<\/p>\n

They fire their lasers. JESUS and MARY run all through the theater, trying to get away, but MARY gets shot<\/em>.<\/p>\n

MARY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ah! I got shot! (she falls<\/em>)<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

You shall be healed.<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

What will you do, Jesus? You don\u2019t have time to heal her and save yourself! That is why you will always fail. It is the nature of the holy to stop and heal, to put others before themselves, but we have science! We know to put ourselves first like the animals do, and so our master race will always win, because of natural selection. It is the rational solution.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

Pride goeth before the fall.<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Then you must be pride, cause you got to go.<\/p>\n

KISSY aims as JESUS knees over MARY. A white light fills the room and holy music is heard<\/em>.<\/p>\n

MARY<\/strong><\/p>\n

By His power, I am healed!<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Stop staring and shoot them!<\/p>\n

SISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

No! I see the light now! (she knocks the lasers out of their hands<\/em>)<\/p>\n

MISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

We don’t have lasers anymore!<\/p>\n

FISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sheiz!<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sissy, what are you doing?<\/p>\n

SISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

What\u2019s right! (she joins JESUS<\/em>) The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want\u2026 brains!<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

You see now, Kissy, that faith will always overpower reason.<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yes, you\u2019re right! I see it now! I see the light!<\/p>\n

She runs up and kneels before JESUS<\/em>.<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Can you ever forgive me, Lord, for all my sins?<\/p>\n

FISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

What are you doing, mein Fuhresse?<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sshhh! O Lord, forgive me!<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

Through my father, all is forgiven.<\/p>\n

JESUS tries to put his hand on her head, but KISSY jumps up and sinks her fangs into MARY, who screams. KISSY pulls away and retreats and MARY falls to the ground<\/em>.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

No! Mary!<\/p>\n

MARY<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll be fine, Jesus. Save yourself.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

How did you do that? You\u2019re a zombie, not a vampire.<\/p>\n

FISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Our Uber-Fuhrer is not the only hybrid I\u2019ve devised.<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yes! I am both zombie and vampire, and stronger than both. And that\u2019s not all: I was the one who first gave you the curse of the vampire!<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

(points at her<\/em>) You!<\/p>\n

KISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

That\u2019s right. Dwell on that, Prince of Peace! Farewell!<\/p>\n

KISSY and FISSY and MISSY run away, and KISSY\u2019S evil laughter is heard all over, even over the PA. JESUS starts to run after them, but MARY moans and he comes back<\/em>.<\/p>\n

MARY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Please, leave me Jesus. You\u2019ve got to stop them. You deserve your revenge.<\/p>\n

SISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yes, leave me and Mary\u2019s brains alone together. We\u2019ll be fine.<\/p>\n

MARY<\/strong><\/p>\n

I wouldn\u2019t have had it any other way. I love you, Jesus.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

Mary, my love is as boundless as the sea, and as deep. The more I give to thee, the more I have, because they are both infinite.<\/p>\n

MARY<\/strong><\/p>\n

I was never very good at math problems.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ha ha hah. Goodbye, Mary.<\/p>\n

MARY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Goodbye, Jesus. What a friend I had in you. (she dies<\/em>)<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MAAAAAAAARRYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!<\/p>\n

SISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry, Jesus.<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

I forgive you. I think it\u2019s my curse, to forgive everything. Sometimes it\u2019s a bigger curse than being a vampire. But I guess that\u2019s my cross to bear.<\/p>\n

SISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ha ha hah.<\/p>\n

A siren goes off<\/em>.<\/p>\n

SISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Oh no! It\u2019s the self-destruct sequence. They\u2019re going to destroy the Techno-Reich!<\/p>\n

JESUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

We\u2019ve got to get out of here!<\/p>\n

SISSY<\/strong><\/p>\n

But how!?<\/p>\n

Lights out<\/em>.<\/p>\n

VOICE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Find out next time, in Vampire Jesus Versus Zombie Hitler Four: Return of the Werewolf!<\/p>\n

END<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The challenge for this play was, “Write the worst play possible.” I have yet to write for Drekfest. I should try it, but I’m slightly unnerved that the worst and best plays in modern popular culture are both so strongly … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[20,9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2012","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-short-plays","category-theater-stuff"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p9u111-ws","jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2012","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2012"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2012\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2014,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2012\/revisions\/2014"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2012"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2012"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2012"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}