{"id":2015,"date":"2014-12-06T11:02:14","date_gmt":"2014-12-06T17:02:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/?p=2015"},"modified":"2014-12-06T11:09:06","modified_gmt":"2014-12-06T17:09:06","slug":"short-play-4-escargot","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/?p=2015","title":{"rendered":"Short Play 4 – Escargot"},"content":{"rendered":"

I like clowns. I love Fr\"HS1\"<\/a>ench clowns. But not mimes. No one likes mimes.<\/p>\n

This play at least has potential. I was reading Christopher Moore’s Sacre Bleu<\/span> at the time, in particular the chapter where young Lucien is helping the Professor snatch snails from grave stones.<\/p>\n

I’d really like to expand on this soon.<\/p>\n

Escargot<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Lights up on a graveyard. Seven or eight tombstones of various descriptions are scattered about. Scrubby grass, a willow tree, and other common graveyard accoutrements are about.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 At CS is a large but otherwise plain tombstone. Crawling along its top, maddeningly slowly, is a puppet snail<\/strong>. The snail<\/strong>, though obviously a puppet, is leaking slime behind it.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Slowly, from behind the tombstone, BERTHE and HENRI peak. They are wide-eyed, in awe. They are na\u00efve. They are overgrown children. They are dressed like muppets, with fuzzy\/felt and oversized representational clothing. They might even be wearing clown makeup.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Slowly, the snail<\/strong> crawls on. Then, for no clear reason, it stops. BERTHE and HERNI gasp, look at each other, and their eyes grow \u2013 impossibly \u2013 wider. They look back at the now immobile snail<\/strong>. Silence. Time passes. Eventually, the snail<\/strong> starts slowly crawling along. Their gawping mouths stretch into enormous smiles. Time passes. The snail<\/strong> is taking its sweet time. Eventually, BERTHE\u2019S smile begins to diminish. Overtime, the smile turns flaccid.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The two begin to speak, their focus on the snail<\/strong> waning. As they stop paying attention, a second snail<\/strong> begins to creep up the side of the tomb, heading toward the first<\/strong><\/em>.<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Where do you think it\u2019s going?<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Oh, anywhere. Nowhere. This is a very auspicious grave.<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Is it? Who was James Ensor?<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Brilliant baker. Baguette like a warm, crispy arm. Loaves so fresh. Pastries like a sunrise.<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019d like to be a baker. Sometimes.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Not all the time, of course. Too much commitment.<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Too much piety.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Too much suffering.<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

One in the same, really. But to think like a baker. To be an artist and craftsman in one. To see a pie tin as a pallet. I would \u2013<\/p>\n

BERTHE spies the second snail<\/strong> while speaking, and suddenly offers an enormous, petrifying gasp. HENRI watches, transfixed. Slowly, inexorably, BERTHE points to the second snail<\/strong>. HENRI slowly turns to follow BERTHE\u2019S finger, and spies the second snail<\/strong>. HENRI\u2019S breath catches, then he faints, disappearing behind the tomb.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 In the silence, BERTHE turns out to the audience and quietly mouths \u201cIt\u2019s a second snail!\u201d HENRI hops up, now standing a bit higher than BERTHE, and shuffles about, examining the second snail<\/strong> from every possible angle, even the obnoxious ones<\/em>.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Is it a boy? A girl?<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yes.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Boy or girl?<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Wrong article.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Article?<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

And.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

And?<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Boy and girl. They\u2019re (quietly mouths the word \u201chermaphrodites.\u201d<\/em>)<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hermaphrodites?<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

They\u2019ve got boy parts and girl parts.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

All of them?<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yarp.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Well that\u2019s handy. We should all be so lucky.<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

I like the variety, but I appreciate your sentiment.<\/p>\n

The snails<\/strong> are getting fairly close together. BERTHE and HENRI now cannot take their eyes off the snails<\/strong><\/em>.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yes. They siphon up the dust and little pebbles. This is how the draw the souls out. The snails. They feed on the leaking souls of the deceased, and so digest their greatness. That\u2019s why we eat the snails.<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Not because we\u2019re starving? Because of the war? Because there\u2019s no food left, and our pies are made with sawdust? Because the horses have all been slaughtered, and the cows are but faded memories of an infinitesimally evanescing past? Because the alternative is to leak our own souls?<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

No. We eat the snails, that we may eat the greatness of our forefathers.<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t know we were such ghouls.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

And boys.<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Mm.<\/p>\n

The snails<\/strong> have gotten very close together. The two are staring, eyes forced open. The snails<\/strong> grow closer. The two are holding their breath. The two snails<\/strong> meet, rubbing their heads together. Instantly, the two gasp. BERTHE\u2019S gasp is again enormous, while HENRI gasps just long enough to faint. BERTHE again looks out to the audience and mouths \u201cThey\u2019re kissing!\u201d Shortly after, HENRI hops back up and stares<\/em>.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

They\u2019re kissing!<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Inuit kisses.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Why do you call it \u201cInuit kisses.\u201d<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Because \u201cEskimo kisses\u201d is racist.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ah! (silence<\/em>) What\u2019s \u201cracist?\u201d<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Oh, lots of things.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ah\u2026<\/p>\n

They watch. The two snails<\/strong> inflate small pouches by their heads, and begin to rub the pouches together. Subtle music is heard from faraway. BERTHE carefully, surreptitiously turns out to the audience and mouths, \u201cThey\u2019re necking!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Do you think they share their souls when they\u2019re doing it?<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

But you must have an opinion.<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Either they do or they don\u2019t. It\u2019s not a matter of opinion.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

You\u2019re ill-equipped for the modern world. The soul has always been a matter of speculation.<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t even know what a soul is.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Opinion, mostly.<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

You\u2019re asking if they share opinions? Almost certainly.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yes, I guess it is obvious. Seems less magical when you put it that way.<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

The right words have slain a lot of magic. Good riddance, I say.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Magic makes the world go round.<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Music makes the world go round.<\/p>\n

BERTHE & HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Money<\/em> makes the world go round! \u2026 (they shudder<\/em>)<\/p>\n

The snails<\/strong> separate. Again, BERTHE gasps. Again, HENRI faints. The second snail contracts and remains very still. The first snail continues on its way as though nothing has happened. BERTHE is very clearly watching the first snail. BERTHE looks out at the audience and silently mouths \u201cIt\u2019s leaving!\u201d HENRI pops up again and very clearly watches the first snail<\/em>.<\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

I suppose that all was meant to mean something.<\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Usually is.<\/p>\n

They stare. Slowly, the two grow to a stand. As they slowly stand, they gravitate toward each other and lean against each other. Sharing each other\u2019s weight. Without looking, still staring at the snails<\/strong>, they grow together and begin a slow dance. They stop watching the snails as they dance, but are still not looking at each other. As they dance, the first snail<\/strong> eventually vanishes behind the grave. The second snail<\/strong> remains contracted and still.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 In time the dance stops. Finally, they separate and look at each other<\/em>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

I still don\u2019t get it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Have a snail.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m not hungry.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

For snail?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m quite full.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

(looks at the snail, then back at BERTHE<\/em>) I as well.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

BERTHE<\/strong><\/p>\n

Well then\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

BERTHE & HENRI<\/strong><\/p>\n

Well\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They turn and stare at the second snail<\/strong>. They slowly kneel to their original positions. They each pet the snail<\/strong> on either side, then sink back behind the tombstone, out of sight. The music ends.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Lights out<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I like clowns. I love French clowns. But not mimes. No one likes mimes. This play at least has potential. I was reading Christopher Moore’s Sacre Bleu at the time, in particular the chapter where young Lucien is helping the … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[20,9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2015","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-short-plays","category-theater-stuff"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p9u111-wv","jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2015","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2015"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2015\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2018,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2015\/revisions\/2018"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2015"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2015"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2015"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}