{"id":2081,"date":"2014-12-14T21:45:37","date_gmt":"2014-12-15T03:45:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/?p=2081"},"modified":"2014-12-15T17:04:54","modified_gmt":"2014-12-15T23:04:54","slug":"short-play-8-we-dont-need-no-education","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/?p=2081","title":{"rendered":"Short Play 8 – We Don’t Need No Education"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"SOCIAL<\/a>

SOCIAL STATEMENT!<\/p><\/div>\n

An irksome experience on tonight’s ride home on the El prompted me to post this one.<\/p>\n

We Don\u2019t Need No Education<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0Lights up on STELLA, sitting on a couch at a party. \u201cBrick In The Wall\u201d is playing on a loop. STELLA is bored out of her mind. After a moment, a shambling zombie lumbers by. Unlike your fancy Hollywood zombies, this one is in relatively good shape, and has a plastic funnel stuck in its head. STELLA doesn\u2019t even glance at it, as it shambles by.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Times passes.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Another zombie limps past. This one stops about three-quarters of the way, and holds up a small bottle of drain cleaner. The zombie pours some drain cleaner into its funnel, wobbles a bit, and shambles off. STELLA watches this one a little, but doesn\u2019t show much interest.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Time passes.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Another zombie, a SLOUCHER enters, a bit awkwardly, but seemingly still cognizant. The SLOUCHER collapses on the couch and glances over at STELLA. STELLA glances back, they catch each others\u2019 eyes, and share a brief smile. They look away.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Several zombies enter. One of them produces a slightly larger container of drain cleaner and pours it into another\u2019s funnel. The other zombies start moaning in rhythm, coming to a fever-head as the drain cleaner finishes pouring in. The zombie receiving the drain cleaner slowly lifts its arms in the air and offers a victorious howl, soon mirrored by the others. The zombies all shamble off, except for one STRAGGLER who starts eying STELLA.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0STELLA is already aware of the STRAGGLER and is doing her damnedest to will it away. Unfortunately, the STRAGGLER keeps sidling closer, and closer, then sits down on an arm of the chair. STELLA shifts her weight away, but still tries to ignore the STRAGGLER. The STRAGGLER rests an arm on the couch, around STELLA but not touching her, then slowly leans in closer. Just before touching, The STRAGGLER opens its jaws and starts gnawing on STELLA\u2019S skull<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\u00a0STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

Nope!<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0STELLA slides away, but the STRAGGLER is persistent and pursues her. STELLA tries, still gently, to remove and dissuade the STRAGGLER<\/em>.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

That\u2019s not for you. Nope. Please stop. I\u2019m asking nicely, get off me. (finally<\/em>) Fuck off!<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 The STRAGGLER groans in a flash of whimpering hurt feelings, then the hollow echoes of fury are reflected in its next moan<\/em>.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hey! \u2026 Fuck off!<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 The SLOUCHER stands up, and the STRAGGLER backs away. The STRAGGLER offers a pale imitation of the bird, then exits. The SLOUCHER collapses on the couch again<\/em>.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

Thanks.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sure.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Silence<\/em>.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

How long you been here?<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

Two hours.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

Really? You seem pretty\u2026 cognizant.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

(produces a small bottle of brain cleaner and tips a small amount into its funnel<\/em>) Moderation.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ah. Nice. Good. (silence<\/em>) It pisses me off that zombies only listen to other zombies. I think I made it pretty damn clear that I didn\u2019t want my brain gnawed on, yes?<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sure.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

And yet there he was, using me like a chew toy until you \u2013 a zombie \u2013 got up and told him to leave, then all of a sudden it all makes sense, and he goes. Because you said so.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

No agency granted.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

Exactly. Exactly. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s unreasonable to expect others to respect my body and myself.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

Totally reasonal.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sorry, I don\u2019t mean to dump all this on you. I know you were just trying to help. And you did help. It\u2019s just a shitty situation.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

Shitty world.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

Well. Sometimes. Yeah.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sometimes. Yeah.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Silence. The SLOUCHER holds out its bottle and offers it to STELLA<\/em>.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

No thanks.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

A little?<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t. I don\u2019t pour.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Pause<\/em>.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

At all?<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

(barely suppressing a sigh<\/em>) Nope.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Pause<\/em>.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

Why not?<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

(pretending to choose her words carefully<\/em>) I don\u2019t know how to answer that without upsetting you.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

Try me.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

(again. A pause<\/em>) I appreciate that you are an adult and, normally, can hear an opinion on something without taking it personally. But you\u2019re asking me to comment on a habit that you yourself partake in. If I tell you how I really feel about it, you\u2019re going to take it personally. And if I sugarcoat it, then it\u2019s going to seem like an insufficient argument. So I\u2019d really rather just say I\u2019m not interested, and leave it at that.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

(moves closer<\/em>) Just tell me.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

Promise me you won\u2019t snap at me.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

Promise.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

I understand that this is just a way of having fun, for you. It\u2019s just a way to relax, at least that\u2019s what I always hear. And yeah, there are obvious long-term effects on your body, but that\u2019s your own problem. If you wanna poison yourself, you go right ahead. But you are, by your own admission, not in control of your faculties when that stuff\u2019s on your brain. You\u2019re abdicating thought and responsibility, and if something bad happens, well you couldn\u2019t really do anything. A half-assed apology and everyone sits and waits for the next time.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

(a hit of skepticism, masquerading as an open mind<\/em>) Okay.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

And really, I don\u2019t usually go to these things anyway. But if I don\u2019t go to these things, everyone says I\u2019m an asshole. So I started going to these parties, literally just sitting on a couch, staring into space for a couple hours. Doing nothing. Talking to no one. And now, all of a sudden, I\u2019m such an amazingly nice person. Everyone loves me. I don\u2019t even drive people home. I just sit here an hour or two, and leave.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

(helps himself to another quick pour<\/em>) Okay.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

And I\u2019m willing to grant that it\u2019s at least possible<\/em> to consume drain cleaner in moderation. I mean, other countries do it, or so I hear. But this isn\u2019t just about getting plastered, or the poison it is, or what people do because drain cleaner makes it okay<\/em>. I think drain cleaner has just infested every aspect of our culture. I cannot go a day without hearing about drain cleaner as the primary source of fun, of friendship, of\u2026 just\u2026 living<\/em>. And if that\u2019s true, if your lives are really so fucking horrible that you need to coat your brains in fuzzy poison in order to eek out another day\u2026 every single one of you\u2026 then there is something goddamn wrong with your lives, and that<\/em> needs to be fixed, and drain cleaner is not gonna fix it. I\u2019ll spare you the usual Marx reference.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

(another pour<\/em>) Mm.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s just fucking infuriating. Drain cleaner is a universal punch line. And everyone just snickers like they\u2019re doing something naughty, like they\u2019ve got their hand in the cookie jar, but there is no cookie jar. Everyone does it. All the time. It\u2019s not brave, or brash, or outr\u00e9, or rebellious. Nothing could be more\u2026 bourgeois than drain cleaner. But everyone tells themselves they\u2019re a fucking rebel. Well Mickey Mouse is more rebellious these days than drain cleaner.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hmm\u2026<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

God, just the smug, self-satisfied, goofy, pretentious, snotty, ubiquitous stupidity of it all is maddening. And it is ev-er-y-where! I mean, I\u2019m stuck at this party, but I\u2019m not really stuck at this party. I can get up and leave, but where am I gonna go? It\u2019s on billboards, it\u2019s on TV twenty-four-hours a fucking day. You can\u2019t talk more than three minutes without it coming up; it\u2019s worse than the weather. I can not escape it. It teaches you to seek out oblivion. It teaches you that thinking is something to be anesthetized. It teaches you that there is no greater reward or ambition than inhibiting the one thing that elevates us above the other animals. And if you think we\u2019re the same as all the other animals, or that cognizance is something to be destroyed, then just knock you brain out with a mallet and go live in the woods, but I don\u2019t believe for a moment that anyone believes that. They\u2019re all just a horde of fucking cowards who refuse to turn those piercing stares in the goddamn mirror.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Silence<\/em>.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

Thanks for listening.<\/p>\n

SLOUCHER<\/strong><\/p>\n

Unnnnnnngh\u2026<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Pause<\/em>.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry. It\u2019s my fault: I wasn\u2019t really listening to you. If I had been, I would have realized much earlier that you have no fucking clue what I\u2019m saying. I judged you for being here, even though I\u2019m here too. Sorry.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 The SLOUCHER lurches forward and tries to gnaw STELLA\u2019S skull. STELLA stands<\/em>.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hokay. Well. G\u2019night.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 STELLA starts off, but is intercepted by another zombie<\/em>.<\/p>\n

STELLA<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hey. Yeah, I just, I got a real bad headache, and I gotta be up early tomorrow anyway. Thanks so much, though. I\u2019ll see ya soon, okay? Bye.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 STELLA exits. The SLOUCHER lies down on the couch and moans.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Lights out<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

An irksome experience on tonight’s ride home on the El prompted me to post this one. We Don\u2019t Need No Education \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0Lights up on STELLA, sitting on a couch at a party. \u201cBrick In The … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[20,9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2081","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-short-plays","category-theater-stuff"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p9u111-xz","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2081","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2081"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2081\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2085,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2081\/revisions\/2085"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2081"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2081"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2081"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}