{"id":2114,"date":"2014-12-21T17:32:58","date_gmt":"2014-12-21T23:32:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/?p=2114"},"modified":"2014-12-22T15:30:44","modified_gmt":"2014-12-22T21:30:44","slug":"short-play-13-blackbeards-delight","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/?p=2114","title":{"rendered":"Short Play 13 – Blackbeard’s Delight"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Delightful<\/a>

Delightful Crap!<\/p><\/div>\n

Here’s more delightful crap!<\/p>\n

Blackbeard\u2019s Delight<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Darkness. Sounds of birds chirping. Far below is heard car horns, construction, the muffled sounds of the city. Very occasionally, there may be the distant snap of a camera. These sounds continue throughout<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Lights up on a pirate ship: at the top of its mast (or at least as far up as we can see) is the unmistakable Jolly Roger. Standing at the front of the ship, his one knee up like Captain Morgan, is BLACKBEARD the Pirate in all his scurvy glory. Just behind him, resting against his broad shoulder, is JENNY THE SLAG: she is aged, scarred, patch-eyed, and missing several teeth, but may have been presentable once. Nearest them at the wheel is the PILOT, a surly bugger who doesn\u2019t really look like he belongs here or wishes to be here. His head is bandaged with a long piece of white fabric<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 The mast is a bit unusual. In fact, it\u2019s not a mast, it\u2019s a steel spire. The highest part of it is spattered with pigeon shit. Periodically, pigeon shit falls on the ship.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 There is a deep wooden groan, and the three pirates seem to very slightly lose their balance, if only for a moment. They then resume what they were doing. Time passes<\/em>.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves that\u2026 How does the rest of it go?<\/p>\n

JENNY THE SLAG<\/strong><\/p>\n

We are underlings.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

Gyar! Ye scurvy slag! No underling be I! Nay! I be the captain o\u2019 this here vessel. There ain\u2019t no man higher save the Devil himself! Nay, not even he! Call up your mighty flames, ye great Satan! Breathe your dragon\u2019s breath through the impregnable salt of me everlastin\u2019 firmament! Not e\u2019en your seven heads nor your ten horns \u2018n\u2019 crowns could pierce the Heraclean pressure, the Ossian fortitude, the Brontosauric power o\u2019 me ocean. My ocean! Blackbeard\u2019s Country, they call it. Or they aught\u2026 or once they did\u2026 Aye! And that they shall again. Officiously onward we\u2019ll sail, e\u2019en to the ends of the Earth, the very pinnacle o\u2019 my sea, and there (draws sword<\/em>) wi\u2019 the Devil\u2019s own toothpick, I\u2019ll pierce out the sacred heart o\u2019 the Almighty, and claim his Shinin\u2019 Firmament Above for meself! Emperor Blackbeard, Lord o\u2019 the Two Great Seas, they\u2019ll call me then. Onward, Pilot! Onward, I say! Yay, verily I cry to the skies, Onward!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

I heard you.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

That we might spit in the un-winking Eye o\u2019 the Lord o\u2019 Creation, and chasten him as once I did ol\u2019 Scratch below, and tell that white-bearded cod-seller that his outstretch\u2019ed promontory, this luminescent sapphire, this effulgent rock of flame and flower and fury, this Earth, be Mine! Mine alone, and I its captain and its Emperor and its God! Aye! There be God\u2019s Eye, fleeing beneath that horizon. Onward, Pilot, fetch me God\u2019s own Eye! Fly, I say! Fly on! Fly! (silence<\/em>) Pilot\u2014<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

-This is as fast as we can go.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Silence. There is another deep wooden groan, and they are each very slightly off-balance, briefly. Time passes<\/em>.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

Do ye not sense a friendly wind comin\u2019 outta the Northeast?<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

There is no wind, if there was it wouldn\u2019t matter, and no matter what you say, this is our maximum speed. It has always been our maximum speed, and it will always be<\/em> our maximum speed.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yar! I sense an insolent tone in yer voice, ye bilge rat.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Well\u2026 A\u2019right, I\u2019m sorry. Onward we.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

Show yer Captain your proper respect, ye lesser imp, ye.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Silence. PILOT takes a deep breath<\/em>.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

(pause<\/em>) Yes, Captain.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

Aye, there she be. (silence. He replaces his sword<\/em>) No faster, ye say?<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

No. Captain. No faster.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 BLACKBEARD sits upon a barrel and places JENNY THE SLAG on his lap<\/em>.<\/p>\n

JENNY THE SLAG<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ooh, time for a tumble, is it Captain?<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

Nay, Jenny. The mealworms and magpies festerin\u2019 in yer musty ol\u2019 cannon-port no longer inspire me.<\/p>\n

JENNY THE SLAG<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u2018twas your dry-rotted, splintery, meager masthead wot put\u2019m there.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 BLACKBEARD leaps to his feet, and JENNY THE SLAG falls to the ground<\/em>.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

G\u2019yar, ye slag! Dare ye be disrespectin\u2019 yer Captain like that?<\/p>\n

JENNY THE SLAG<\/strong><\/p>\n

Forgive me, Captain. The God of Truth is still a handsome lad, and I can\u2019t help but bend for him.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

D\u2019yah, ye harlot! Ye harridan! Ye\u2019ll pay most bloody for that!<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 BLACKBEARD makes as if to backhand JENNY, who flees behind the PILOT<\/em>.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

Get back here, ye slutty slitherin\u2019 slag, ye!<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Help me, George!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

(overlapping with JENNY\u2019s next line<\/em>) I\u2019m not here, I\u2019m not here, I\u2019m not here, (etc<\/em>.)<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Captain\u2019s mad, George! As a hatter, he is! Oh, he\u2019ll tell me somethin\u2019 fierce he will, George.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u2026George. George? Geoooooooooooorge now, is it? Quite familiar terms yer on with mine own slattern, ain\u2019t ye, Geooooorge? (pause<\/em>) Hm? George?<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

My name is Eddy, and I just don\u2019t\u2026 I\u2026 I don\u2019t wanna engage, okay? The day\u2019s almost over, just\u2026 c\u2019mon, okay?<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

Howl, ye black-hearted Jezebel! And ye! Ye\u2026 black hearted\u2026 Jeze-Bob! Fiends that would make the Devil blush. Ye\u2019ll walk the plank for this!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Do\u2026 You\u2019re kidding, right?<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

King Arthur o\u2019 the Seas, I was! And ye, ye Guineverean whore; and ye, ye Lancelotian\u2026 Whore! Ye\u2019ve slain my fiendish heart with yer treachery.<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Never, o Cap\u2019n. I\u2019m innocent o\u2019 any man but ye, I swear!<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

Bah!<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Prove it, Cap\u2019n. Prove ye any wrong-doin\u2019 on my part, and I\u2019ll leap off that plank with a song in me heart.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Really?<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Get away from me, ye weasel\u2019s lunch! \u2018twas him! He tried to seduce me!<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

What!?<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

I did not, nor have I ever\u2014<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

And when my virtue\u2019d nary bend to his fowl demonstrations, he took me honesty by force!<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

WHAT!?<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

That is absolutely, one hundred percent\u2014<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll slice ye in thirds, and send ye down to the triple maw of Lucifer there to be gnawed in company with Brutus, Cassius and Judas, for the three together were one so great a traitor as thou art!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Thou?<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll point ye off that plank and hurtle ye down to the Firmament of Fire!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

The plank?<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

Then I\u2019ll sail down and conquer Hell itself, only to make meself the lord and master o\u2019 yer all-endurin\u2019 torment.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

You\u2019re gonna push me off the plank?<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll enslave a race o\u2019 goblins and make your damnation their religion! There they\u2019ll pierce and tear ye flesh, burn ye eyes, and rape your soul \u2018til the End o\u2019 Days when the Lord Almighty, which be me, calls them back to the all-consumin\u2019 Abyss!<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 The PILOT lets go of the wheel and looks BLACKBEARD in the eye<\/em>.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

(pause<\/em>) You\u2019re serious, aren\u2019t you?<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

O wait, cap\u2019n! I spoke too much in haste. Don\u2019t send him to Hell, fiend though he be. I gots mercy in me withered heart.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

Mercy for this fetid Hellhound? Impossible! \u2026 Unless\u2026 Unless\u2026 Ye duplicitous harlot!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

(returns to the wheel<\/em>) Jesus. For a second there* I thought you were serious.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

*(talking over the PILOT<\/em>) I\u2019ll string yer guts from the crow\u2019s nest, ye two-faced strumpet!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Does anyone else think this is getting kinda old?<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

But first! (draws his sword<\/em>) I\u2019ll string ye by<\/em> your guts!<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

No! (stands in front of PILOT<\/em>) I won\u2019t let ye!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Okay.<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

George is fine and true and a gentler man than ye\u2019ll ever be! \u2026 And we\u2019re in love!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Goddammit.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

Avast!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Finally.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll show ye\u2014<\/p>\n

Again, the ship groans. The ship noticeably shifts, and everyone alters their stance to stay balanced. Pause<\/em>.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

I think we may actually be splitting.<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Nonsense, George. We\u2019ve ne\u2019er seen calmer seas.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Well we\u2019re not on the sea, that\u2019s kinda my point. (another groan<\/em>) Man, are the cops ever gonna come up here? I mean, somebody must have called this in\u2026 Weather copter\u2026 Wait, how did we get up here anyway?<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

It matters not! \u2013<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Does go me \u2013<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

Because I\u2019ll plunge ye down to hell!<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD thrusts his sword forward, but is intercepted by JENNY, who knocks him aside and manages to find and produce a sword of her own<\/em>.<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

True love conquers all!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Jesus\u2026<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD and JENNY cross swords. They travel greatly while in combat, and each time they move to the opposite side of the ship, groaning is heard and everyone slightly loses their balance. Several times, creaking and cracking can be heard. Pigeon shit continues to rain down<\/em>.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Guys? \u2026 Guys? \u2026 I really think the ship might be falling apart.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll never love again!<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

A beast like you could never have loved at all!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Guys! I\u2019m getting really concerned here. Guys! GUYS!!!<\/p>\n

As they pass by, the PILOT intercepts the two fighters. BLACKBEARD is knocked off balance, and JENNY stabs him through the guts. No one was expecting this<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Silence<\/em>.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Wow\u2026 I guess you should have quoted Romeo & Juliet.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

Jenny\u2026 How could ye?<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

I did it for love, Cap\u2019n. I swear it!<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ay then\u2026 Then\u2026 Aye\u2026 Then I\u2026 I, then, forgive ye Jenny. And ye too George.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Still Eddy.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

I beg ye only\u2026 In memory of the greatest pirate wot ever lived\u2026 name yer child after me.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

You want us to name our nonexistent baby Blackbeard? Fine, whatever.<\/p>\n

BLACKBEARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

Thus, die I. Thus. Thus\u2026 Thus\u2026 (dies<\/em>)<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Incredibly appropriate.<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Oh Captain! My Captain!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Okay.<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

We are lost as sea without ye!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Jenny! We are not at sea. Now can we please focus on getting someone\u2019s attention, so we can\u2014<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

I can bear the miscreant\u2019s death, but I cannot live without my Captain!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

That may be going a bit far.<\/p>\n

JENNY prepares to run herself through with her own sword<\/em>.<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

The deepest pits of Hell are reserved for mutineers.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yeah, I liked that movie too, but\u2014<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Nay George, ye must live on!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

I intend to.<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ye must live on to tell our tale! To let the world know that Blackbeard sought the Ocean\u2019s End. That for a time, a little time in this great world, the expanse of that great world were in the grasp of the pirate king, Blackbeard. The world must know that ownership is slavery, and that only by the greatest freedom, can we be truly masters of aught. They must know: they need not be slave to house nor home nor fashion nor vernacular, but each and all may make the world as they see it, and speak the Word as they would hear it! Tell this world, George! Tell this world our Word!<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

I have a better idea. How about\u2014<\/p>\n

JENNY drives the sword into her gut, screaming<\/em>.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Holy shit!<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Tell them, George. Tell the world to speak our Word.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Fine! Fine! I\u2019ll declare a national\u2026 talk-like-a-pirate day, but you need medical attention!<\/p>\n

JENNY<\/strong><\/p>\n

I need my Captain, George! I sail with him.<\/p>\n

JENNY collapses<\/em>.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Fuck.<\/p>\n

Another groan. Another creak and crack. Silence<\/em>.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Fuck. Fuck this life. How did I\u2026 (looks over the side<\/em>) Hello! Help! Heeeeeellllp! Come on; I know you can hear me! It\u2019s not that high! Yeah! Great, just keep walking! Assholes! Aaaaaaaaasshoooooooooles!! (looks around<\/em>) Fuck.<\/p>\n

More groaning. More creaking. More cracking. Pigeon shit continues<\/em>.<\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

How\u2026 How do I\u2026 How did<\/em> I\u2026<\/p>\n

The groaning, creaking, and cracking is continuous, drowning out the sound of birds. The PILOT looks around in a relatively calm panic. The lights fade out. Suddenly, the ship is silent, and we hear\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

PILOT<\/strong><\/p>\n

(giving up<\/em>) Shiver me timbers\u2026<\/p>\n

We hear an immense crash, and the ship splits apart and falls off the building. We never hear it hit ground. We hear only the birds and the distant traffic<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Here’s more delightful crap! Blackbeard\u2019s Delight \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Darkness. Sounds of birds chirping. Far below is heard car horns, construction, the muffled sounds of the city. Very occasionally, there may be the distant snap of a … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[20,9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2114","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-short-plays","category-theater-stuff"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p9u111-y6","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2114","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2114"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2114\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2115,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2114\/revisions\/2115"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2114"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2114"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2114"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}