{"id":4727,"date":"2016-11-05T22:18:47","date_gmt":"2016-11-06T03:18:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/?p=4727"},"modified":"2016-11-07T09:20:05","modified_gmt":"2016-11-07T15:20:05","slug":"november-5-made-up-the-emperors-new-thesis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/?p=4727","title":{"rendered":"November 5 (made-up): The Emperor’s New Thesis"},"content":{"rendered":"

Lights rise CS on The EMPEROR: a magnificently dressed despot. His brilliant robes are being pinned, trimmed, trussed, and tended to by a DRESSER. Also in the room is an image COACH and a RESEARCHER. The EMPEROR is facing US and gesticulating extravagantly, much to the consternation of the DRESSER. The RESEARCHER is orbiting the EMPEROR hoping to catch his eye, and failing. The COACH is observing his gestures with obvious approval<\/em>.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nThe armies immediately stood down and offered me their swords. The men rejoiced, and there was much feasting and festival that night. And that was how I conquered the Western Reaches without shedding a single drop of blood.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\n(applauding<\/em>) Magnificent, You Excellency. Mag-nificent.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency?<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nIn truth, the victory was bitter-sweet. As I reclined on my throne, I studied the demeanors and snatches of speech radiating from my army. I received the impression that many were disappointed, saddened that they were not allowed the opportunity to risk and perhaps sacrifice their lives on my behalf.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nTruly a melancholy celebration.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nYet this is the nature of life: every success means the loss of other opportunities. Every choice, however wise, means other roads are lost forever in the shadows of the past.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nSo eloquent! So true! So relatable! Your Excellency, I fear I may swoon with admiration.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nYou would, of course, not be the first. I remember my coronation ceremony.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency?<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nI was younger then, of course. Fitter, more ravishing in frame.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nYour Excellency, please! Though your wisdom reverberates in the very Halls of Eternity, I fear I must raise a tremulous hand and circumspective objection. You are, to this very day, as statuesque, as regal, as handsome, and dare I say, as smoldering as that day you first dawn the crown of your ancestors. Your Excellency, we all bow before your aura of divinity.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency?<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nYou are too kind.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nNot at all. Not At All! We all bow before your gracious magnificence, and your magnificent grace. We All Bow!<\/p>\n

The COACH bows deeply. After a moment’s hesitation, the RESEARCHER bows as well. After further hesitation, the DRESSER (already kneeling) bows even lower<\/em>.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nI am born anew in the light of your generosity.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nAny kindness you find in our faces is a reflection of your own beneficence, Your Excellency.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency?<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nBut where are my common manners. I have interrupted you, Your Excellency. Please continue.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency please!<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nYes?<\/p>\n

The EMPEROR turns at last to face DS. He is an affable but unimpressive-looking person. Short, not particularly fit, not ugly but certainly not especially handsome. He radiates confidence in himself and indifference to the opinions of those who fall under his brilliant gaze<\/em>.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nI have some numbers that might interest you.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nYes, yes! How many are coming to my speech? How many?<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nWell, Sir, projections are set at eight million.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\n(as though he has just triumphantly proven a point<\/em>) Eight\u00a0million!<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nOut-standing, Your Excellency! Beyond all expectation!<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nWell, attendance is mandatory, and those numbers reflect about ninety-eight percent of the population–<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\n(again, QED<\/em>) Ninety-eight percent! There you have it.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nIn-credible, Your Excellency! In-cre-di-ble!<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nAnd how many sausages do we have for the crowds.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nI’m afraid we only have four million!<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\n(his enthusiasm not yet dampened<\/em>) Oh?<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nBu-ut we do have over ten million potatoes, and several million roots.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\n(a slight hesitation<\/em>) Roots?<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nRoots, Excellency.<\/p>\n

Pause.<\/em><\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nWell, that will just incentivize the most patriotic to show up early, won’t it?<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nBeautiful, Your Excellency. Beautiful! You are a very font of wit.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nYou flatter me.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nNot one jot; not one tittle, Your Excellency.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency?<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nYour kindness reminds me of the Czarina Marguita, whose pulchritude was outdone only by her grace, her grace only by her intellect, her intellect only by her polity, and her polity only by her insatiable desire for a certain young Emperor.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nOh! Do tell, Your Excellency.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency?<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nI am not one to spread rumors, however accurate they might be, but let us just say: saying “no” was the most challenging decision in my long and difficult career as your Emperor.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency?<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nI should dare say! Such fortitude! Such forbearance! Such… fore… … knowledge!<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nYou hit the proverbial nail, Sontis, the absolute nail. An alliance with the Russians, though enormously beneficial in the short run, especially for a certain charming Emperor–<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nOh my–<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nWould have proven a damning drain on our resources. Too many debts to resolve. To many famines to feed. A tragedy that such a effulgent woman should come attached to such a doomed nation.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nTruly the stuff of an Epic, Your Excellency.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency!<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nPerhaps I should compose one.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nBrilliant, Your Excellency! Brilliant!<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency! Please!<\/p>\n

Pause. The EMPEROR and COACH stare at the RESEARCHER; the former with polite confusion, the latter with open hostility. The DRESSER takes great advantage of this stillness to adjust and measure the EMPEROR’S clothes. Silence<\/em>.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\n(mildly reminding everyone just who is in charge<\/em>) Yes? How may we help you?<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency, Sir, I have some numbers that may interest you.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\n(he exhales, happy to avoid the discomfort of having to discipline a subordinate<\/em>) Oh, is that all? You already gave me those numbers. They were disappointing, but sufficient.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nNo, Excellency, not those numbers.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\n(with infinite patience<\/em>) I assure you, you did. Allow me to jog your memory–<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency–<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nYou had just interrupted the story of my coronation day–<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nThat’s not entirely–<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nI turned toward you beneficently, like so…<\/p>\n

The EMPEROR turns away, then turns back again. It is magnificent<\/em>.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nYes, but–<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nI then asked you what numbers you had for me.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nThat’s not entirely–<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nAnd you then informed me that we were short on sausages. I displayed my disappointment, but heroically forgave you.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nHe-ro-ically, Your Excellency.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\n(still with infinite patience<\/em>) Do you remember now?<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency, please, I am talking about different numbers.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\n(with a polite laugh<\/em>) I assure you, you were speaking of the sausages.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nNo, now, now I am–<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nYour Excellency, I don’t believe you ever finished the tale of your coronation.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency–<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nToo true! Now! There I was, my handsome, charming face turned into the Sun.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nOutshining the Sun, I don’t doubt.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nOh, stop.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nHow could I, Your Excellency! How could I possibly stop?<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nHave you ever tried?<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nI looked out into the crowd, and flashed them my now legendary smile.<\/p>\n

The EMPEROR smiles. It is, if nothing else, disarming<\/em>.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nA thrill runs through me, Your Excellency.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nI’d like to run something through you–<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nFunny you should say: I looked out into the crowd, and there I found not one… not two… not three… … not four–<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nHow many?<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nGuess.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nI’d rather not.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nOh, go on. Guess.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency, there are other numbers I would–<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nFive-thousand!<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nYou exaggerate.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nI? Exaggerate?<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nNever.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nNever!<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nThen in this case, I’m afraid you’ve missed the mark. It was a mere three-hundred young ladies, taken by my brilliant smile… and, I don’t doubt, the heat of the Sun–<\/p>\n

COACH (And RESEARCHER)<\/strong>
\nNever.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nThere swooning on the ground below me. We almost had to delay the closing ceremonies. I wanted to see to them, but the Clergy insisted that we conclude the rites.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nThe Churches are heartless, they say.<\/p>\n

DRESSER<\/strong>
\nThey are not!<\/p>\n

Slight shock. Silence. Everyone looks to the DRESSER. There is a longer, awkard silence. The DRESSER gets back to work, taking advantage of this second stillness<\/em>.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency. There are other numbers I need to show you.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nNonsense. It’s time to practice my speech.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nI don’t think that’s a good idea, Excellency.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nBrilliant as always, I say.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nYes! Now!<\/p>\n

The EMPEROR takes a few steps forward, inadvertently knocking the DRESSER over<\/em>.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nMove us, Your Excellency! Command us!<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nMy loyal Subjects–<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nWell…<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nMy loving Subordinates–<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nActually…<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nMy… plucky little duckies–<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nI’m not a hundred percent sure–<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nIt has recently come to my royal attention that many of you are concerned about… what was it?<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nUnwanted pregnancies.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nI believe it was unwanted pregnancies, Your Excellency.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nAh yes! The entire point! It has recently come to my royal attention that many of you are concerned about… yes! Unwanted pregnancies. I’m afraid you do not seem to understand just how pregnancy works. Allow me to royally elucidate for you.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency! Please! … Is this, really…<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\n(with infinite patience<\/em>) Go on…<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nIs this really, your area of expertise?<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\n… I do not understand.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nDo you not think that, perhaps, there might just be someone else in the empire who understands pregnancy better than you?<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\n… I do not understand.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nWell, Excellency… you cannot get pregnant.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\n(chuckling, with infinite patience<\/em>) Ahhhh, I see. I understand, of course, but just because someone does not experience something directly, does not mean they are incapable of understanding it. You are a researcher, after all. You didn’t prepare all those sausages yourself, did you?<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\n(holding in a sigh<\/em>) No.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nBut you do understand how many are prepared, yes?<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nI do, and I’d actually like to talk about that shortage.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nSo you understand, I’m sure, that just because I am not a woman, that does not mean I cannot become an expert on something.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nBut are you an expert, Excellency?<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nI am the Emperor.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nMagnanimously eloquent, Your Excellency!<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nNow where was I?<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\nThe flushing system, Your Excellency.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nYes! The female reproductive organs feature a flushing device that, periodically, expels unwanted pregnancies naturally, without the need for outside intrusion.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nExcellency, please listen.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nI rather think you are the one who needs to listen. You might learn something.<\/p>\n

Brief, tense silence<\/em>.<\/p>\n

RESEARCHER<\/strong>
\nAs you say… Your Excellency.<\/p>\n

EMPEROR<\/strong>
\nVery good. Now, this flushing system is the Heavens’ way of solving these so-called–<\/p>\n

The DRESSER suddenly draws a large pin and uses it to stab the EMPEROR to death. The COACH and RESEARCHER are paralyzed with shock. The EMPEROR dies horribly<\/em>.<\/p>\n

The DRESSER stands, CS, looking at the other servants. Silence<\/em>.<\/p>\n

COACH<\/strong>
\n(screaming<\/em>) GUAAAAAAAAARDS!! Guards!!<\/p>\n

Silence. We here the rumble of boots on the floor<\/em>.<\/p>\n

DRESSER<\/strong>
\nIt just took too long. Listening took too long. Waiting<\/em> took too long.<\/p>\n

Lights slowly fade.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Lights rise CS on The EMPEROR: a magnificently dressed despot. His brilliant robes are being pinned, trimmed, trussed, and tended to by a DRESSER. Also in the room is an image COACH and a RESEARCHER. The EMPEROR is facing US … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[29],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4727","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-november-scripts"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p9u111-1ef","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4727","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4727"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4727\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4731,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4727\/revisions\/4731"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4727"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4727"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jaredmcdaris.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4727"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}