Lights rise CS on The EMPEROR: a magnificently dressed despot. His brilliant robes are being pinned, trimmed, trussed, and tended to by a DRESSER. Also in the room is an image COACH and a RESEARCHER. The EMPEROR is facing US and gesticulating extravagantly, much to the consternation of the DRESSER. The RESEARCHER is orbiting the EMPEROR hoping to catch his eye, and failing. The COACH is observing his gestures with obvious approval.
EMPEROR
The armies immediately stood down and offered me their swords. The men rejoiced, and there was much feasting and festival that night. And that was how I conquered the Western Reaches without shedding a single drop of blood.
COACH
(applauding) Magnificent, You Excellency. Mag-nificent.
RESEARCHER
Excellency?
EMPEROR
In truth, the victory was bitter-sweet. As I reclined on my throne, I studied the demeanors and snatches of speech radiating from my army. I received the impression that many were disappointed, saddened that they were not allowed the opportunity to risk and perhaps sacrifice their lives on my behalf.
COACH
Truly a melancholy celebration.
EMPEROR
Yet this is the nature of life: every success means the loss of other opportunities. Every choice, however wise, means other roads are lost forever in the shadows of the past.
COACH
So eloquent! So true! So relatable! Your Excellency, I fear I may swoon with admiration.
EMPEROR
You would, of course, not be the first. I remember my coronation ceremony.
RESEARCHER
Excellency?
EMPEROR
I was younger then, of course. Fitter, more ravishing in frame.
COACH
Your Excellency, please! Though your wisdom reverberates in the very Halls of Eternity, I fear I must raise a tremulous hand and circumspective objection. You are, to this very day, as statuesque, as regal, as handsome, and dare I say, as smoldering as that day you first dawn the crown of your ancestors. Your Excellency, we all bow before your aura of divinity.
RESEARCHER
Excellency?
EMPEROR
You are too kind.
COACH
Not at all. Not At All! We all bow before your gracious magnificence, and your magnificent grace. We All Bow!
The COACH bows deeply. After a moment’s hesitation, the RESEARCHER bows as well. After further hesitation, the DRESSER (already kneeling) bows even lower.
EMPEROR
I am born anew in the light of your generosity.
COACH
Any kindness you find in our faces is a reflection of your own beneficence, Your Excellency.
RESEARCHER
Excellency?
COACH
But where are my common manners. I have interrupted you, Your Excellency. Please continue.
RESEARCHER
Excellency please!
EMPEROR
Yes?
The EMPEROR turns at last to face DS. He is an affable but unimpressive-looking person. Short, not particularly fit, not ugly but certainly not especially handsome. He radiates confidence in himself and indifference to the opinions of those who fall under his brilliant gaze.
RESEARCHER
I have some numbers that might interest you.
EMPEROR
Yes, yes! How many are coming to my speech? How many?
RESEARCHER
Well, Sir, projections are set at eight million.
EMPEROR
(as though he has just triumphantly proven a point) Eight million!
COACH
Out-standing, Your Excellency! Beyond all expectation!
RESEARCHER
Well, attendance is mandatory, and those numbers reflect about ninety-eight percent of the population–
EMPEROR
(again, QED) Ninety-eight percent! There you have it.
COACH
In-credible, Your Excellency! In-cre-di-ble!
EMPEROR
And how many sausages do we have for the crowds.
RESEARCHER
I’m afraid we only have four million!
EMPEROR
(his enthusiasm not yet dampened) Oh?
RESEARCHER
Bu-ut we do have over ten million potatoes, and several million roots.
EMPEROR
(a slight hesitation) Roots?
RESEARCHER
Roots, Excellency.
Pause.
EMPEROR
Well, that will just incentivize the most patriotic to show up early, won’t it?
COACH
Beautiful, Your Excellency. Beautiful! You are a very font of wit.
EMPEROR
You flatter me.
COACH
Not one jot; not one tittle, Your Excellency.
RESEARCHER
Excellency?
EMPEROR
Your kindness reminds me of the Czarina Marguita, whose pulchritude was outdone only by her grace, her grace only by her intellect, her intellect only by her polity, and her polity only by her insatiable desire for a certain young Emperor.
COACH
Oh! Do tell, Your Excellency.
RESEARCHER
Excellency?
EMPEROR
I am not one to spread rumors, however accurate they might be, but let us just say: saying “no” was the most challenging decision in my long and difficult career as your Emperor.
RESEARCHER
Excellency?
COACH
I should dare say! Such fortitude! Such forbearance! Such… fore… … knowledge!
RESEARCHER
Excellency.
EMPEROR
You hit the proverbial nail, Sontis, the absolute nail. An alliance with the Russians, though enormously beneficial in the short run, especially for a certain charming Emperor–
COACH
Oh my–
EMPEROR
Would have proven a damning drain on our resources. Too many debts to resolve. To many famines to feed. A tragedy that such a effulgent woman should come attached to such a doomed nation.
COACH
Truly the stuff of an Epic, Your Excellency.
RESEARCHER
Excellency!
EMPEROR
Perhaps I should compose one.
COACH
Brilliant, Your Excellency! Brilliant!
RESEARCHER
Excellency! Please!
Pause. The EMPEROR and COACH stare at the RESEARCHER; the former with polite confusion, the latter with open hostility. The DRESSER takes great advantage of this stillness to adjust and measure the EMPEROR’S clothes. Silence.
EMPEROR
(mildly reminding everyone just who is in charge) Yes? How may we help you?
RESEARCHER
Excellency, Sir, I have some numbers that may interest you.
EMPEROR
(he exhales, happy to avoid the discomfort of having to discipline a subordinate) Oh, is that all? You already gave me those numbers. They were disappointing, but sufficient.
RESEARCHER
No, Excellency, not those numbers.
EMPEROR
(with infinite patience) I assure you, you did. Allow me to jog your memory–
RESEARCHER
Excellency–
EMPEROR
You had just interrupted the story of my coronation day–
RESEARCHER
That’s not entirely–
EMPEROR
I turned toward you beneficently, like so…
The EMPEROR turns away, then turns back again. It is magnificent.
RESEARCHER
Yes, but–
EMPEROR
I then asked you what numbers you had for me.
RESEARCHER
That’s not entirely–
EMPEROR
And you then informed me that we were short on sausages. I displayed my disappointment, but heroically forgave you.
COACH
He-ro-ically, Your Excellency.
EMPEROR
(still with infinite patience) Do you remember now?
RESEARCHER
Excellency, please, I am talking about different numbers.
EMPEROR
(with a polite laugh) I assure you, you were speaking of the sausages.
RESEARCHER
No, now, now I am–
COACH
Your Excellency, I don’t believe you ever finished the tale of your coronation.
RESEARCHER
Excellency–
EMPEROR
Too true! Now! There I was, my handsome, charming face turned into the Sun.
COACH
Outshining the Sun, I don’t doubt.
EMPEROR
Oh, stop.
COACH
How could I, Your Excellency! How could I possibly stop?
RESEARCHER
Have you ever tried?
EMPEROR
I looked out into the crowd, and flashed them my now legendary smile.
The EMPEROR smiles. It is, if nothing else, disarming.
COACH
A thrill runs through me, Your Excellency.
RESEARCHER
I’d like to run something through you–
EMPEROR
Funny you should say: I looked out into the crowd, and there I found not one… not two… not three… … not four–
RESEARCHER
How many?
EMPEROR
Guess.
RESEARCHER
I’d rather not.
EMPEROR
Oh, go on. Guess.
RESEARCHER
Excellency, there are other numbers I would–
COACH
Five-thousand!
RESEARCHER
You exaggerate.
COACH
I? Exaggerate?
RESEARCHER
Never.
COACH
Never!
EMPEROR
Then in this case, I’m afraid you’ve missed the mark. It was a mere three-hundred young ladies, taken by my brilliant smile… and, I don’t doubt, the heat of the Sun–
COACH (And RESEARCHER)
Never.
EMPEROR
There swooning on the ground below me. We almost had to delay the closing ceremonies. I wanted to see to them, but the Clergy insisted that we conclude the rites.
COACH
The Churches are heartless, they say.
DRESSER
They are not!
Slight shock. Silence. Everyone looks to the DRESSER. There is a longer, awkard silence. The DRESSER gets back to work, taking advantage of this second stillness.
RESEARCHER
Excellency. There are other numbers I need to show you.
EMPEROR
Nonsense. It’s time to practice my speech.
RESEARCHER
I don’t think that’s a good idea, Excellency.
COACH
Brilliant as always, I say.
EMPEROR
Yes! Now!
The EMPEROR takes a few steps forward, inadvertently knocking the DRESSER over.
COACH
Move us, Your Excellency! Command us!
EMPEROR
My loyal Subjects–
RESEARCHER
Well…
EMPEROR
My loving Subordinates–
RESEARCHER
Actually…
EMPEROR
My… plucky little duckies–
RESEARCHER
I’m not a hundred percent sure–
EMPEROR
It has recently come to my royal attention that many of you are concerned about… what was it?
RESEARCHER
Unwanted pregnancies.
COACH
I believe it was unwanted pregnancies, Your Excellency.
EMPEROR
Ah yes! The entire point! It has recently come to my royal attention that many of you are concerned about… yes! Unwanted pregnancies. I’m afraid you do not seem to understand just how pregnancy works. Allow me to royally elucidate for you.
RESEARCHER
Excellency! Please! … Is this, really…
EMPEROR
(with infinite patience) Go on…
RESEARCHER
Is this really, your area of expertise?
EMPEROR
… I do not understand.
RESEARCHER
Do you not think that, perhaps, there might just be someone else in the empire who understands pregnancy better than you?
EMPEROR
… I do not understand.
RESEARCHER
Well, Excellency… you cannot get pregnant.
EMPEROR
(chuckling, with infinite patience) Ahhhh, I see. I understand, of course, but just because someone does not experience something directly, does not mean they are incapable of understanding it. You are a researcher, after all. You didn’t prepare all those sausages yourself, did you?
RESEARCHER
(holding in a sigh) No.
EMPEROR
But you do understand how many are prepared, yes?
RESEARCHER
I do, and I’d actually like to talk about that shortage.
EMPEROR
So you understand, I’m sure, that just because I am not a woman, that does not mean I cannot become an expert on something.
RESEARCHER
But are you an expert, Excellency?
EMPEROR
I am the Emperor.
COACH
Magnanimously eloquent, Your Excellency!
EMPEROR
Now where was I?
COACH
The flushing system, Your Excellency.
EMPEROR
Yes! The female reproductive organs feature a flushing device that, periodically, expels unwanted pregnancies naturally, without the need for outside intrusion.
RESEARCHER
Excellency, please listen.
EMPEROR
I rather think you are the one who needs to listen. You might learn something.
Brief, tense silence.
RESEARCHER
As you say… Your Excellency.
EMPEROR
Very good. Now, this flushing system is the Heavens’ way of solving these so-called–
The DRESSER suddenly draws a large pin and uses it to stab the EMPEROR to death. The COACH and RESEARCHER are paralyzed with shock. The EMPEROR dies horribly.
The DRESSER stands, CS, looking at the other servants. Silence.
COACH
(screaming) GUAAAAAAAAARDS!! Guards!!
Silence. We here the rumble of boots on the floor.
DRESSER
It just took too long. Listening took too long. Waiting took too long.
Lights slowly fade.