A red light rises on ASMODEUS, a demon in tattered finery. He is standing at CS, staring upward into the Abyss. Nearby BABD, also in tattered finery, reclines on a divan, or some such thing. She begins by looking up, but in time examines her own outstretched hand, almost as though it were a mirror by which she looks into herself. A very low, quiet hum is (just barely) heard. ASMODEUS’S attention drifts downward. He briefly looks back at BABD, then back upward into the ABYSS.
PUKA, another demon in tattered finery, runs onstage, and quickly starts circling ASMODEUS. PUKA is flailing hands, freaking out. The humming subsides.
PUKA
OmigoshOmigoshOmigoshOmigoshOmigosh! We’re all gonna DIIIIYEEEEYAIAAWWWWWIYYYY!!!
BABD
Unlikely.
PUKA
The Abyss is in total disorder. To-tal Dis-order!
BABD
Hence the name.
PUKA
(crosses to BABD) But what happens when they see it!?
BABD
Plenty of people have seen it. Puka, what’s wrong with you?
PUKA
The Light-Bearer is coming!
PUKA receives instant attention from BABD and ASMODEUS.
ASMODEUS
What?
PUKA
Luciel is coming here! The Light-Bearer is coming here! ‘s got some kind of… plan… to reorganize the Abyss.
ASMODEUS
Reorganize?
PUKA
And if’e sees thiiiiis… we’re screwed! Skay-rooooood!
ASMODEUS
Well, when? When’s the arrival?
PUKA
… Uhhhhhhhhhhh–
BABD
You don’t know?
PUKA
I panicked! I panicked! Tell me you wouldn’t have panicked!
BABD
I would not have panicked.
PUKA
Pride goeth–
BABD
Don’t say that.
ASMODEUS
All right. You say there’s a plan, a plan to reorganize. So. Seeing an Abyss in… disorder… should hardly be a cause for upset.
Silence.
ASMODEUS
Maybe we should clean up a little.
BABD
Maybe.
LUCIEL enters. Another demon, but dressed much more impressively. LUCIEL seems immensely self-confident, yet equally confident in the capacity of others to agree with anything he says.
LUCIEL
Greetings!
PUKA shrieks, loud and long, and flees behind the divan.
BABD
Good morning, Luciel, how can we help you?
LUCIEL
Morning? Is it morning?
BABD
… Yes?
LUCIEL
Time is an illusion. Babd, Asmodeus… Puka… I have been reborn.
Silence.
ASMODEUS
Where did you go this time, Luciel?
LUCIEL
A magical place called… Earth.
ASMODEUS
Earth again?
LUCIEL
You’ve been?
ASMODEUS
No Luciel, we’ve been here.
LUCIEL
Well, all the same, Earth is an incredibly… diverse place. It’s so… so, so, so so so… evolutionary. Revolutionary! Things are just constantly… changing.
BABD
Oh, I think we get enough of that.
BABD indicates the Abyss, above. LUCIEL glances up.
LUCIEL
Oh! Oh, no, no, no no no no, not that revolutionary… Actually, I was rather expecting it to be a bit cleaned up by now.
PUKA
We’re sorry! (collapses at LUCIEL’S feet) We tried! We triiiiiiiiied! (completely breaks down) It was just too big, it was too big it was too biiiiiiiiiiiiiig… Oh gwaaaaaaaaaaaaah…
A long time. They wait for PUKA to run out of gas.
LUCIEL
Yes, well… All the same, I think we can make use of this, this, this… chaos.
ASMODEUS
Wonderful. I’m glad we could keep the fires going for you.
LUCIEL
You see! Everything happens for a purpose.
BABD
Did you just say everything happens for a purpose? You?
LUCIEL
Yes! You see, that’s the power, the power of Earth! I have seen something new, something so new… it’s incredible!
BABD
What is it?
LUCIEL
(takes a big breath) Musical Theater!
Silence.
BABD
Okay.
LUCIEL
Babd! Babd. Do you remember Athens?
BABD
It’s still around, isn’t it?
LUCIEL
No! No no no no, old Athens. With the performances. The orgies. The singing? The singing; you must remember the singing.
BABD
Vaguely. I was only there briefly.
LUCIEL
Yes! This, this is like that. But not! It’s so much… bigger! So complicated, so vibrant, so colorful, so… (points to the Abyss) chaotic! I’m working on a script.
ASMODEUS
That sounds delightful, Luciel.
LUCIEL
Hell is too, too, too too too… sterile. I mean, we torture, we prod, we assault, but where is the love I ask you?
BABD
Lacking, sadly.
LUCIEL
Precisely. I’m working on a script.
ASMODEUS
You don’t say.
BABD
What’s it called?
LUCIEL
I’m de-lighted you asked. It’s called… “The Pony Express.”
Silence.
PUKA
(sincerely) I love it.
LUCIEL
Don’t you love it!?
PUKA
I do!
LUCIEL
Ponies. Dozens of ponies, singing their pony hearts out!
PUKA
About what?
LUCIEL
Who cares? That’ll come later, later, the point is it’s raw, and yet innocent, and yet… sincere!
PUKA
Totally!
LUCIEL
And the best part is, the best part is: their horns… glow… when they sing.
PUKA
What!?
LUCIEL
I know!
PUKA
What!? What!? What!?
LUCIEL
I know, I know, I know!
PUKA
Genius!
ASMODEUS
Ponies don’t have horns.
Pause.
LUCIEL
What?
ASMODEUS
Ponies don’t have horns. You’re thinking of unicorns. They don’t exist.
Pause.
LUCIEL
Well, all the same… that’s… that’s why I came here! Where else can I get something that doesn’t exist except out of the Abyss?
ASMODEUS
But you’re still calling it The Pony Express?
LUCIEL
Pony just sounds better!
ASMODEUS
(muttering) Why don’t you just put dildos on their heads.
LUCIEL
What?
ASMODEUS
… Nothing.
BABD
He said, “Why don’t you just put dildos on their heads.”
Silence.
LUCIEL
Asmodeus.
ASMODEUS
Yes, Light-Bearer?
LUCIEL
You’ve been here some time, have you not?
ASMODEUS
Yes, Light-Bearer.
LUCIEL
Cut off from the rest of the world, cut off from… station… degree… respect… So let me assure you… You are… a genius!
ASMODEUS & BABD
What?
PUKA
Dildos on heads?
LUCIEL
Yes! It’s so meaningful, so vibrant, so…
PUKA
Dildoey?
LUCIEL
Exactly! Brilliant! Brilliant! Now where can I get five dozen dildos?
PUKA
I know just the place, Light-Bearer!
LUCIEL
Well let’s go then!
PUKA
Listen, while I’ve got you, I’ve got some ideas about the script.
LUCIEL
I am all ears.
LUCIEL and PUKA walk off.
BABD
Well… We got rid of him.
ASMODEUS
For now.
BABD
Do you really think he can pull unicorns out of the Abyss?
ASMODEUS
Do you think he’s going to impale the dildos on their horns? Assuming he can find either?
BABD
I suppose.
Pause.
ASMODEUS
What do suppose he really wanted?
BABD
Ponies, evidently… with dildos on their heads.
ASMODEUS
Does anyone ever know what they want?
BABD
(sighs) How can something so banal emerge so close to the Abyss?
Silence. ASMODEUS looks up into the Abyss. The hum returns.
The lights fade out.
END